Today is Day 18....I finally ran out of food so I decided to go to the grocery store. The place I've been avoiding. Now side note...trust me I could have cheated soooo Many days these last few weeks. Sooooo many times, but I didn't I stayed strong. Fast forward to today. I did my small shopping tried to get in and out in a few minutes...that didnt work so well. I spent 20 minutes standing in the liquor isle. My mind was fighting my body, I probably looked like a freaking nut job. I was probably sweating I was very ancy, very very anxious. Finally after debating myself I sucked in a deep breathe and walked away. I walked away. I never do that, I'm the type of girl who likes to do whatever I want because I can.
Now I will say this, I am proud of myself for helping to prevent about 4 murders today, once I left the liquor isle I was very depressed, anxious, pissed off, cranky , tired, just generally unhappy. Anyone who asked me if I needed any Help almost died. I really really hate these feelings. I hate being exhausted. I hate being cranky so much, I hate all of it. The insomnia is the worst. But alas day 18... I won this day!!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
11 freaking day!!
Oh wow! 11 days! I never ever ever in a million years did I think I could do it for this long. My days have been full of immense insomnia and so much freaking anxiety, like crawling out of my skin anxiety!! I'm trying so hard, I've had so many opportunities to fuck up and slip back but I'm holding strong I have no clue how... Just need to stay strong! This sucks balls so bad!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The "real" life of what I used to call a fully functioning alcoholic
I can blame a lot of things in my life on other people and even circumstances. It would be really easy for me, I mean being a single mom of three with low income and a highly stressful job. Dealing with a disabled kid. Losing a close parent I have many excuses for my life. But honestly I am a failure. I pride myself on being strong and I am not. Judge me or not, I'm to the point of not caring any more. You may criticize me give me whatever opinions you want, BUT this is my life. It is what it is.
I was 17 years old and met a guy at a random party he was cute we hooked up a few times , I was young and dumb and didn't know him that well. Well soon enough I would. I was soon to find out that I was going to have a baby, a boy it turned out. I tried to do the right thing get married, play "house" all I was ever taught. After a couple interesting getting to know each other years I reeeaaallly wanted my son to have a sibling. So, we tried and I got my 2nd son "who was to know he would be my disabled one" shortly after my sons birth my marriage was just done. Beyond done. I tried to plan on how I would leave and how I would do it on my own. THIS is when the stress and the occasional lets get hammered nights started.
Fast forward a couple months, my than husbands sister was getting married In Vegas. Well apparently, what happens in Vegas really doesn't stay there it comes back with you and lives with you. Lucky for me though I got my angel princess. Now having a third baby and than trying to go through a bitter divorce was let's say...a bit stressful. So the lets have a drink night started becoming more often.
When my daughter was 6 months old and I was still trying to move the ex out and file divorce papers the whole thing. I had half a bottle of tequila. That was day one.
Since that night and EVERY single night since than I drank. I even remember after a month thinking wow I've had a drink every night for a month. That's weird. That first night was July 18,2007.
Now through the years I was pretty creative with my drinking. I had my special times I'd drink when the kids were sleeping or maybe when I wanted a bubble bath I could lock the door. Family events were a breeze because no one notices the group drinking beers. After a couple years it amazed me that not one person who I was close to caught on.
By 2011, I was getting pretty tired of drinking every single night. At that point I had a man who I thought loved me and we even stayed together. The entire relationship not ONCE did he ever think I was literally getting hammered every night. At this point I'm thinking damn good at hiding this or else no one really cares enough to notice.
By Christmas of 2012 I knew this problem was getting to much for me to handle. Now mind you, I had this mentality of being a pretty damned good fully functioning alcoholic. No matter how much I drank or how late I worked (and than drank) I would still drag myself out of bed get breakfast for the kids make sure they were dressed, though yes sometimes they looked a little ragged. But I would take them to school. Go to work, do a pretty damned good job than come home make dinner and put kids in bed.
I knew the problem was getting worse when I stopped caring about housework, schoolwork, my close friends, bills, how I looked" I had put on about 30 pounds at this point" and the physical pain of trying and waiting until nights to start drinking was making it worse. So I starting researching. I was going to stop drinking. I looked into my vacation and sick times , medical detox places all the nine yards. Well apparently plans change. It came in the form of a four day weekend off from work. WTF I am a female who at this point is drinking half a handle "over a fifth in normal talk" a day. A Day. Needless to say I went on a binge and boy did I ever.
Two and a half handles in 4 days....not a good thing. So February 6th, 2013 I went into a Medical Detox at a very large Hospital. Luckily they said I didn't have a heart attack. I think that's a good thing. The really sad thing is. I was PISSED. I knew I needed help, like bad. But in my mind I had it planned I had it all worked out , but than being forced to go...really pissed me off. I don't like to deviate from my routines . I just don't. Sure one more month probably could have killed me, but it was MY plan!
The Detox...lets just say clearing out a body of booze from 5 years and there was no oh I'm sick or I'm tired. 5 years e v e r y single night. And with the tolerance I had....it hurt, it hurt a lot. So yesterday February 12th my release date. Not a good day. Felt like shit jittery, wanting to die please at least give me a beer something. Yaaaa not happening. So now as I sit here watching the sunrise on the 13th because with no booze = no freaking sleep. I feeling pretty scared.
To be honest I know I will slip. It won't be a crazy spiral down the rabbit hole, but I will have weak points , but I know I will also have days of saying fuck ya a full day of no drinks. And since this is my blog and I can't afford a shrink. All of the ups and downs will be posted on here. Mostly i bet it will be delusional ramblings from the many days lack of sleep. Probably a lot of cursing" there is this weird I don't want to be sober demon in me" or days when I'm all poetic like,,,la the birds they sound so amazing why did I never notice this sober. Though at this juncture I would like to shoot anything on sight. But hey here is me in a nutshell.
Stay Sober,Sane, and Soothing....awe fuck who am I kidding this feeling sucks
I was 17 years old and met a guy at a random party he was cute we hooked up a few times , I was young and dumb and didn't know him that well. Well soon enough I would. I was soon to find out that I was going to have a baby, a boy it turned out. I tried to do the right thing get married, play "house" all I was ever taught. After a couple interesting getting to know each other years I reeeaaallly wanted my son to have a sibling. So, we tried and I got my 2nd son "who was to know he would be my disabled one" shortly after my sons birth my marriage was just done. Beyond done. I tried to plan on how I would leave and how I would do it on my own. THIS is when the stress and the occasional lets get hammered nights started.
Fast forward a couple months, my than husbands sister was getting married In Vegas. Well apparently, what happens in Vegas really doesn't stay there it comes back with you and lives with you. Lucky for me though I got my angel princess. Now having a third baby and than trying to go through a bitter divorce was let's say...a bit stressful. So the lets have a drink night started becoming more often.
When my daughter was 6 months old and I was still trying to move the ex out and file divorce papers the whole thing. I had half a bottle of tequila. That was day one.
Since that night and EVERY single night since than I drank. I even remember after a month thinking wow I've had a drink every night for a month. That's weird. That first night was July 18,2007.
Now through the years I was pretty creative with my drinking. I had my special times I'd drink when the kids were sleeping or maybe when I wanted a bubble bath I could lock the door. Family events were a breeze because no one notices the group drinking beers. After a couple years it amazed me that not one person who I was close to caught on.
By 2011, I was getting pretty tired of drinking every single night. At that point I had a man who I thought loved me and we even stayed together. The entire relationship not ONCE did he ever think I was literally getting hammered every night. At this point I'm thinking damn good at hiding this or else no one really cares enough to notice.
By Christmas of 2012 I knew this problem was getting to much for me to handle. Now mind you, I had this mentality of being a pretty damned good fully functioning alcoholic. No matter how much I drank or how late I worked (and than drank) I would still drag myself out of bed get breakfast for the kids make sure they were dressed, though yes sometimes they looked a little ragged. But I would take them to school. Go to work, do a pretty damned good job than come home make dinner and put kids in bed.
I knew the problem was getting worse when I stopped caring about housework, schoolwork, my close friends, bills, how I looked" I had put on about 30 pounds at this point" and the physical pain of trying and waiting until nights to start drinking was making it worse. So I starting researching. I was going to stop drinking. I looked into my vacation and sick times , medical detox places all the nine yards. Well apparently plans change. It came in the form of a four day weekend off from work. WTF I am a female who at this point is drinking half a handle "over a fifth in normal talk" a day. A Day. Needless to say I went on a binge and boy did I ever.
Two and a half handles in 4 days....not a good thing. So February 6th, 2013 I went into a Medical Detox at a very large Hospital. Luckily they said I didn't have a heart attack. I think that's a good thing. The really sad thing is. I was PISSED. I knew I needed help, like bad. But in my mind I had it planned I had it all worked out , but than being forced to go...really pissed me off. I don't like to deviate from my routines . I just don't. Sure one more month probably could have killed me, but it was MY plan!
The Detox...lets just say clearing out a body of booze from 5 years and there was no oh I'm sick or I'm tired. 5 years e v e r y single night. And with the tolerance I had....it hurt, it hurt a lot. So yesterday February 12th my release date. Not a good day. Felt like shit jittery, wanting to die please at least give me a beer something. Yaaaa not happening. So now as I sit here watching the sunrise on the 13th because with no booze = no freaking sleep. I feeling pretty scared.
To be honest I know I will slip. It won't be a crazy spiral down the rabbit hole, but I will have weak points , but I know I will also have days of saying fuck ya a full day of no drinks. And since this is my blog and I can't afford a shrink. All of the ups and downs will be posted on here. Mostly i bet it will be delusional ramblings from the many days lack of sleep. Probably a lot of cursing" there is this weird I don't want to be sober demon in me" or days when I'm all poetic like,,,la the birds they sound so amazing why did I never notice this sober. Though at this juncture I would like to shoot anything on sight. But hey here is me in a nutshell.
Stay Sober,Sane, and Soothing....awe fuck who am I kidding this feeling sucks
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
First day of school!! Yay! Right?!? Fml
So I was soooo excited for the first day of school! My little baby is a kindergartener. Got up super early, got kids looking all cute. Actually drive and parked and walked in with them all. With all the excitement it was almost magical! My first full day home alone with no kids! What to do? I know I had cleaning to do, but I really wanted to read a book and relax! 12:30pm four hours into school it happens!! The dreaded phone call! Please I pray not the first day of school!
It's the school. Andrew needs to be picked up ASAP! Wtf! Really!?!?!? . I quickly jump in the car and run over! It's routine now, like secondhand nature. I go into the special center and he is being restrained by 4 teachers. (he is a big boy, I don't even know how I can restrain him!) so I'm there he calms downs and the teacher tells me the dreaded news. He will be suspended the first two days of school. Are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!!?!?
Then better news, they want me to sign him up for a detention center school, because it would be best for him. He is 7 years old, really! So I did the one thing I've swore I would NEVER do in all the years of school. I broke down. I cried. Silently mind you and in public! I hate today! I hate not knowing what to do for my son anymore and I hate feeling like such a loser pathetic mom. So, now my first day of school quiet peacefully day ends with me crying in the bathroom while blogging about it because I have no one to talk to who truly understands what I'm growing through....fml
It's the school. Andrew needs to be picked up ASAP! Wtf! Really!?!?!? . I quickly jump in the car and run over! It's routine now, like secondhand nature. I go into the special center and he is being restrained by 4 teachers. (he is a big boy, I don't even know how I can restrain him!) so I'm there he calms downs and the teacher tells me the dreaded news. He will be suspended the first two days of school. Are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!!?!?
Then better news, they want me to sign him up for a detention center school, because it would be best for him. He is 7 years old, really! So I did the one thing I've swore I would NEVER do in all the years of school. I broke down. I cried. Silently mind you and in public! I hate today! I hate not knowing what to do for my son anymore and I hate feeling like such a loser pathetic mom. So, now my first day of school quiet peacefully day ends with me crying in the bathroom while blogging about it because I have no one to talk to who truly understands what I'm growing through....fml
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Broken Down...
Running full force down the street chasing my barefoot screaming 7 year old who is screaming bloody murder....This is how it just got serious!
I've just finished a 47 hour work week, I am exhausted. I am upset with how work went that day. I just want to pick up my kids and go home to relax. I walk in the door and right away my son starts doing this whiny voice asking for a sleep over. I know that whiny voice that's when an "episode" is about to start. Having dealt with many severe breakdowns in the past I tend to catch impending ones right away. I quickly switch to my super soothing mommy voice and explain that not tonight sweetie. Trust me when we get home you'll have so much fun with mommy we can do something special just one on one. That usually does the trick. Tonight...it didn't. So I put on my game face and knew that the match is just starting. This is how parenting a child with a disability is. Give and takes. The small whiny voice now turns into un explained grunts and swatting at things. Pushing full cups of water on the ground, hitting walls kicking anything he can see.
I am calmly trying to deal with this, trying the methods taught to me by the doctor. Try to redirect his focus. Try to talk to him about why he is acting this way. Finally separating him to another room to try and calm down and think and turn his day around. NONE of this is working. Finally after 20 mins of this constant random grunting and the crying or more like moans of anger. He takes a heavy object and throws it. This is going to be bad episode I now know this and tactics change. I immediately tell him to put on shoes we are going home. This was a bad choice of words apparently. The highest pitched screams....curdle your blood screams ensure and then he is saying no no no no no no no no. I try and pick him up (which is near impossible). He then gets up and runs out the door as fast as ever. I'm think he is getting in the car so I come out and he is in front of the neighbors house shaking his head no he is not leaving and every time I take a step towards him he takes a step back. Finally I start walking towards him saying it's time to leave. He bolts! I have never had a child run away from me willingly. He is also screaming at the top of his lungs. First I'm worrying about his feet in the Arizona heat will burn, then I am sooooo embarrassed that I am chasing a screaming child. I finally catch up to him and he is hitting me and punching me calling me names spitting.
I try to walk him to the car...he dead weights on me. My 7 year old son is over 80 pounds, probably more dead weight, he is very large around the belly so it's awkward weight. I cannot pick him up at all. And he is still screaming the loudest screams ever, the type of screams you think someone is dying. I am now trying to get him to move, not happening. I am begging and pleading with him to please please please get in the car. Not happening. So goes the over 30 minutes and the half dragging half pulling and pushing. All the while screaming. I am surprised the police have not been called or someone thinking I am kidnapping my own child. I finally get him into the car. Lock and jump in to rush home. He immediately starts punching my other two kids in the head.They toss themselves in the third row seats to get away. The drive home is quick, but filled with screams and being called stupid and told I am hated. Get home, don't open doors until the garage is closed, because I am not doing another bolt. He jumps out screaming and refusing to go in the house, still screaming. Great! So I am begging pleading trying to push and pull him in. Nothing. Finally I leave him in the garage. After 5 mins, because it's so damned hot I have to get him in the house no matter what. I again try the tactic explaining all the fun things we could have been doing right now if he wasn't acting out. I give him the choice to go into his room and calm down, he books it to his room. I sit on the couch in the dark and cry. After 10 mins and a very bad texting conversation with my boss, (side issues at work, ugh), he comes down says he is sorry. Hugs me and smiles.
I just spent almost 2 hours of one of his worst attacks ever and light switch all is well. What the Hell??? My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and I have just been told that the doctor thinks he is Bi Polar. No matter what it is. I am the mother to a child with a disability. Honestly, I do not think I was meant for this. I work long work weeks. I try and provide my kids with everything possible. I am their mom and their dad. I am the sole breadwinner and provider. There is not help from their dad, (who the hell knows where he lives) I prepared myself to be a single mom. I am trying my hardest. To be honest it is the biggest struggle possible. Some days I find myself barely holding it together. I wish I had someone to lean on, to break down and ask for help. Someone to just give me a hug and tell me everything is ok. I cook, I clean, I give love, I give discipline. I fix things I troubleshoot. I am always go go go go go. Every at work, it's very high paced hands on where I am on my feet 9-11 hours a day. I have no rest. I don't even think anyone in my family can truly understand how hard it is. I know this is the path that I choose when I got divorced. And I choose this path because it was the right thing for my kids.
But having nights like tonight, I truly am at my end. I don't know what else to do anymore. I am fighting so hard. The stress is killing me, I have blood pressure headaches often. I am behind on bills. I am living one day to the next. I just was not made to be this person, which makes me cry even more (and I am not a crier. I NEVER cry) I always though myself to be the strong one. Nothing can break me. But every morning when I pull myself out of bed, I feel like I can breaking off a little more every day. I am breaking down into nothing. I am not the person I used to be, I am not the person I was meant to be. I don't know who I am anymore. I hate this feeling.......And it's even worse, I'm crying while writing this while my sweet angel 7 year old has come back to me and is sleeping peacefully next to me. Why is this my life?
I've just finished a 47 hour work week, I am exhausted. I am upset with how work went that day. I just want to pick up my kids and go home to relax. I walk in the door and right away my son starts doing this whiny voice asking for a sleep over. I know that whiny voice that's when an "episode" is about to start. Having dealt with many severe breakdowns in the past I tend to catch impending ones right away. I quickly switch to my super soothing mommy voice and explain that not tonight sweetie. Trust me when we get home you'll have so much fun with mommy we can do something special just one on one. That usually does the trick. Tonight...it didn't. So I put on my game face and knew that the match is just starting. This is how parenting a child with a disability is. Give and takes. The small whiny voice now turns into un explained grunts and swatting at things. Pushing full cups of water on the ground, hitting walls kicking anything he can see.
I am calmly trying to deal with this, trying the methods taught to me by the doctor. Try to redirect his focus. Try to talk to him about why he is acting this way. Finally separating him to another room to try and calm down and think and turn his day around. NONE of this is working. Finally after 20 mins of this constant random grunting and the crying or more like moans of anger. He takes a heavy object and throws it. This is going to be bad episode I now know this and tactics change. I immediately tell him to put on shoes we are going home. This was a bad choice of words apparently. The highest pitched screams....curdle your blood screams ensure and then he is saying no no no no no no no no. I try and pick him up (which is near impossible). He then gets up and runs out the door as fast as ever. I'm think he is getting in the car so I come out and he is in front of the neighbors house shaking his head no he is not leaving and every time I take a step towards him he takes a step back. Finally I start walking towards him saying it's time to leave. He bolts! I have never had a child run away from me willingly. He is also screaming at the top of his lungs. First I'm worrying about his feet in the Arizona heat will burn, then I am sooooo embarrassed that I am chasing a screaming child. I finally catch up to him and he is hitting me and punching me calling me names spitting.
I try to walk him to the car...he dead weights on me. My 7 year old son is over 80 pounds, probably more dead weight, he is very large around the belly so it's awkward weight. I cannot pick him up at all. And he is still screaming the loudest screams ever, the type of screams you think someone is dying. I am now trying to get him to move, not happening. I am begging and pleading with him to please please please get in the car. Not happening. So goes the over 30 minutes and the half dragging half pulling and pushing. All the while screaming. I am surprised the police have not been called or someone thinking I am kidnapping my own child. I finally get him into the car. Lock and jump in to rush home. He immediately starts punching my other two kids in the head.They toss themselves in the third row seats to get away. The drive home is quick, but filled with screams and being called stupid and told I am hated. Get home, don't open doors until the garage is closed, because I am not doing another bolt. He jumps out screaming and refusing to go in the house, still screaming. Great! So I am begging pleading trying to push and pull him in. Nothing. Finally I leave him in the garage. After 5 mins, because it's so damned hot I have to get him in the house no matter what. I again try the tactic explaining all the fun things we could have been doing right now if he wasn't acting out. I give him the choice to go into his room and calm down, he books it to his room. I sit on the couch in the dark and cry. After 10 mins and a very bad texting conversation with my boss, (side issues at work, ugh), he comes down says he is sorry. Hugs me and smiles.
I just spent almost 2 hours of one of his worst attacks ever and light switch all is well. What the Hell??? My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and I have just been told that the doctor thinks he is Bi Polar. No matter what it is. I am the mother to a child with a disability. Honestly, I do not think I was meant for this. I work long work weeks. I try and provide my kids with everything possible. I am their mom and their dad. I am the sole breadwinner and provider. There is not help from their dad, (who the hell knows where he lives) I prepared myself to be a single mom. I am trying my hardest. To be honest it is the biggest struggle possible. Some days I find myself barely holding it together. I wish I had someone to lean on, to break down and ask for help. Someone to just give me a hug and tell me everything is ok. I cook, I clean, I give love, I give discipline. I fix things I troubleshoot. I am always go go go go go. Every at work, it's very high paced hands on where I am on my feet 9-11 hours a day. I have no rest. I don't even think anyone in my family can truly understand how hard it is. I know this is the path that I choose when I got divorced. And I choose this path because it was the right thing for my kids.
But having nights like tonight, I truly am at my end. I don't know what else to do anymore. I am fighting so hard. The stress is killing me, I have blood pressure headaches often. I am behind on bills. I am living one day to the next. I just was not made to be this person, which makes me cry even more (and I am not a crier. I NEVER cry) I always though myself to be the strong one. Nothing can break me. But every morning when I pull myself out of bed, I feel like I can breaking off a little more every day. I am breaking down into nothing. I am not the person I used to be, I am not the person I was meant to be. I don't know who I am anymore. I hate this feeling.......And it's even worse, I'm crying while writing this while my sweet angel 7 year old has come back to me and is sleeping peacefully next to me. Why is this my life?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Silently sinking...
I have these moments in life where I know I am going to go into a spiral of depression. I am actually really good at realizing this and turning everything around. Once and (very rarely) in a while I give in to it. I throw in my white flag and I fall.
Lately I've been more inclined to divulge and let it overtake me. These last couple years have been the hardest of my life. Getting divorced and all that silly stress is nothing compared to how I am feeling.
Many have said it and maybe it's true, I have not dealt with my fathers death. I am still super pissed. I am mad at God and I am mad at myself. I want to get over these constant overwhelming emotions, but to be honest I don't have the time to try.
I want so desperately to fall apart to just cry and cry and cry, but I can't. I never got that chance. I had to do the right thing and stay strong in front of my children and take care of them in this hard time. I didn't have anyone to just go hey let me watch your kids so you can have a day to yourself to grieve. I didn't get one single day. So here a year and a half later I am still in this no mans land of WTF is going on.
I really just plain ol hate the position that my life is in right now. And yes I am smart enough to know that my life could be worse, but trying to take the weight on the world of my shoulders is killing me.....
Feels better to come out and say it. Thank you silly little blog
Lately I've been more inclined to divulge and let it overtake me. These last couple years have been the hardest of my life. Getting divorced and all that silly stress is nothing compared to how I am feeling.
Many have said it and maybe it's true, I have not dealt with my fathers death. I am still super pissed. I am mad at God and I am mad at myself. I want to get over these constant overwhelming emotions, but to be honest I don't have the time to try.
I want so desperately to fall apart to just cry and cry and cry, but I can't. I never got that chance. I had to do the right thing and stay strong in front of my children and take care of them in this hard time. I didn't have anyone to just go hey let me watch your kids so you can have a day to yourself to grieve. I didn't get one single day. So here a year and a half later I am still in this no mans land of WTF is going on.
I really just plain ol hate the position that my life is in right now. And yes I am smart enough to know that my life could be worse, but trying to take the weight on the world of my shoulders is killing me.....
Feels better to come out and say it. Thank you silly little blog
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