Today is Day 18....I finally ran out of food so I decided to go to the grocery store. The place I've been avoiding. Now side note...trust me I could have cheated soooo Many days these last few weeks. Sooooo many times, but I didn't I stayed strong. Fast forward to today. I did my small shopping tried to get in and out in a few minutes...that didnt work so well. I spent 20 minutes standing in the liquor isle. My mind was fighting my body, I probably looked like a freaking nut job. I was probably sweating I was very ancy, very very anxious. Finally after debating myself I sucked in a deep breathe and walked away. I walked away. I never do that, I'm the type of girl who likes to do whatever I want because I can.
Now I will say this, I am proud of myself for helping to prevent about 4 murders today, once I left the liquor isle I was very depressed, anxious, pissed off, cranky , tired, just generally unhappy. Anyone who asked me if I needed any Help almost died. I really really hate these feelings. I hate being exhausted. I hate being cranky so much, I hate all of it. The insomnia is the worst. But alas day 18... I won this day!!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
11 freaking day!!
Oh wow! 11 days! I never ever ever in a million years did I think I could do it for this long. My days have been full of immense insomnia and so much freaking anxiety, like crawling out of my skin anxiety!! I'm trying so hard, I've had so many opportunities to fuck up and slip back but I'm holding strong I have no clue how... Just need to stay strong! This sucks balls so bad!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The "real" life of what I used to call a fully functioning alcoholic
I can blame a lot of things in my life on other people and even circumstances. It would be really easy for me, I mean being a single mom of three with low income and a highly stressful job. Dealing with a disabled kid. Losing a close parent I have many excuses for my life. But honestly I am a failure. I pride myself on being strong and I am not. Judge me or not, I'm to the point of not caring any more. You may criticize me give me whatever opinions you want, BUT this is my life. It is what it is.
I was 17 years old and met a guy at a random party he was cute we hooked up a few times , I was young and dumb and didn't know him that well. Well soon enough I would. I was soon to find out that I was going to have a baby, a boy it turned out. I tried to do the right thing get married, play "house" all I was ever taught. After a couple interesting getting to know each other years I reeeaaallly wanted my son to have a sibling. So, we tried and I got my 2nd son "who was to know he would be my disabled one" shortly after my sons birth my marriage was just done. Beyond done. I tried to plan on how I would leave and how I would do it on my own. THIS is when the stress and the occasional lets get hammered nights started.
Fast forward a couple months, my than husbands sister was getting married In Vegas. Well apparently, what happens in Vegas really doesn't stay there it comes back with you and lives with you. Lucky for me though I got my angel princess. Now having a third baby and than trying to go through a bitter divorce was let's say...a bit stressful. So the lets have a drink night started becoming more often.
When my daughter was 6 months old and I was still trying to move the ex out and file divorce papers the whole thing. I had half a bottle of tequila. That was day one.
Since that night and EVERY single night since than I drank. I even remember after a month thinking wow I've had a drink every night for a month. That's weird. That first night was July 18,2007.
Now through the years I was pretty creative with my drinking. I had my special times I'd drink when the kids were sleeping or maybe when I wanted a bubble bath I could lock the door. Family events were a breeze because no one notices the group drinking beers. After a couple years it amazed me that not one person who I was close to caught on.
By 2011, I was getting pretty tired of drinking every single night. At that point I had a man who I thought loved me and we even stayed together. The entire relationship not ONCE did he ever think I was literally getting hammered every night. At this point I'm thinking damn good at hiding this or else no one really cares enough to notice.
By Christmas of 2012 I knew this problem was getting to much for me to handle. Now mind you, I had this mentality of being a pretty damned good fully functioning alcoholic. No matter how much I drank or how late I worked (and than drank) I would still drag myself out of bed get breakfast for the kids make sure they were dressed, though yes sometimes they looked a little ragged. But I would take them to school. Go to work, do a pretty damned good job than come home make dinner and put kids in bed.
I knew the problem was getting worse when I stopped caring about housework, schoolwork, my close friends, bills, how I looked" I had put on about 30 pounds at this point" and the physical pain of trying and waiting until nights to start drinking was making it worse. So I starting researching. I was going to stop drinking. I looked into my vacation and sick times , medical detox places all the nine yards. Well apparently plans change. It came in the form of a four day weekend off from work. WTF I am a female who at this point is drinking half a handle "over a fifth in normal talk" a day. A Day. Needless to say I went on a binge and boy did I ever.
Two and a half handles in 4 days....not a good thing. So February 6th, 2013 I went into a Medical Detox at a very large Hospital. Luckily they said I didn't have a heart attack. I think that's a good thing. The really sad thing is. I was PISSED. I knew I needed help, like bad. But in my mind I had it planned I had it all worked out , but than being forced to go...really pissed me off. I don't like to deviate from my routines . I just don't. Sure one more month probably could have killed me, but it was MY plan!
The Detox...lets just say clearing out a body of booze from 5 years and there was no oh I'm sick or I'm tired. 5 years e v e r y single night. And with the tolerance I had....it hurt, it hurt a lot. So yesterday February 12th my release date. Not a good day. Felt like shit jittery, wanting to die please at least give me a beer something. Yaaaa not happening. So now as I sit here watching the sunrise on the 13th because with no booze = no freaking sleep. I feeling pretty scared.
To be honest I know I will slip. It won't be a crazy spiral down the rabbit hole, but I will have weak points , but I know I will also have days of saying fuck ya a full day of no drinks. And since this is my blog and I can't afford a shrink. All of the ups and downs will be posted on here. Mostly i bet it will be delusional ramblings from the many days lack of sleep. Probably a lot of cursing" there is this weird I don't want to be sober demon in me" or days when I'm all poetic like,,,la the birds they sound so amazing why did I never notice this sober. Though at this juncture I would like to shoot anything on sight. But hey here is me in a nutshell.
Stay Sober,Sane, and Soothing....awe fuck who am I kidding this feeling sucks
I was 17 years old and met a guy at a random party he was cute we hooked up a few times , I was young and dumb and didn't know him that well. Well soon enough I would. I was soon to find out that I was going to have a baby, a boy it turned out. I tried to do the right thing get married, play "house" all I was ever taught. After a couple interesting getting to know each other years I reeeaaallly wanted my son to have a sibling. So, we tried and I got my 2nd son "who was to know he would be my disabled one" shortly after my sons birth my marriage was just done. Beyond done. I tried to plan on how I would leave and how I would do it on my own. THIS is when the stress and the occasional lets get hammered nights started.
Fast forward a couple months, my than husbands sister was getting married In Vegas. Well apparently, what happens in Vegas really doesn't stay there it comes back with you and lives with you. Lucky for me though I got my angel princess. Now having a third baby and than trying to go through a bitter divorce was let's say...a bit stressful. So the lets have a drink night started becoming more often.
When my daughter was 6 months old and I was still trying to move the ex out and file divorce papers the whole thing. I had half a bottle of tequila. That was day one.
Since that night and EVERY single night since than I drank. I even remember after a month thinking wow I've had a drink every night for a month. That's weird. That first night was July 18,2007.
Now through the years I was pretty creative with my drinking. I had my special times I'd drink when the kids were sleeping or maybe when I wanted a bubble bath I could lock the door. Family events were a breeze because no one notices the group drinking beers. After a couple years it amazed me that not one person who I was close to caught on.
By 2011, I was getting pretty tired of drinking every single night. At that point I had a man who I thought loved me and we even stayed together. The entire relationship not ONCE did he ever think I was literally getting hammered every night. At this point I'm thinking damn good at hiding this or else no one really cares enough to notice.
By Christmas of 2012 I knew this problem was getting to much for me to handle. Now mind you, I had this mentality of being a pretty damned good fully functioning alcoholic. No matter how much I drank or how late I worked (and than drank) I would still drag myself out of bed get breakfast for the kids make sure they were dressed, though yes sometimes they looked a little ragged. But I would take them to school. Go to work, do a pretty damned good job than come home make dinner and put kids in bed.
I knew the problem was getting worse when I stopped caring about housework, schoolwork, my close friends, bills, how I looked" I had put on about 30 pounds at this point" and the physical pain of trying and waiting until nights to start drinking was making it worse. So I starting researching. I was going to stop drinking. I looked into my vacation and sick times , medical detox places all the nine yards. Well apparently plans change. It came in the form of a four day weekend off from work. WTF I am a female who at this point is drinking half a handle "over a fifth in normal talk" a day. A Day. Needless to say I went on a binge and boy did I ever.
Two and a half handles in 4 days....not a good thing. So February 6th, 2013 I went into a Medical Detox at a very large Hospital. Luckily they said I didn't have a heart attack. I think that's a good thing. The really sad thing is. I was PISSED. I knew I needed help, like bad. But in my mind I had it planned I had it all worked out , but than being forced to go...really pissed me off. I don't like to deviate from my routines . I just don't. Sure one more month probably could have killed me, but it was MY plan!
The Detox...lets just say clearing out a body of booze from 5 years and there was no oh I'm sick or I'm tired. 5 years e v e r y single night. And with the tolerance I had....it hurt, it hurt a lot. So yesterday February 12th my release date. Not a good day. Felt like shit jittery, wanting to die please at least give me a beer something. Yaaaa not happening. So now as I sit here watching the sunrise on the 13th because with no booze = no freaking sleep. I feeling pretty scared.
To be honest I know I will slip. It won't be a crazy spiral down the rabbit hole, but I will have weak points , but I know I will also have days of saying fuck ya a full day of no drinks. And since this is my blog and I can't afford a shrink. All of the ups and downs will be posted on here. Mostly i bet it will be delusional ramblings from the many days lack of sleep. Probably a lot of cursing" there is this weird I don't want to be sober demon in me" or days when I'm all poetic like,,,la the birds they sound so amazing why did I never notice this sober. Though at this juncture I would like to shoot anything on sight. But hey here is me in a nutshell.
Stay Sober,Sane, and Soothing....awe fuck who am I kidding this feeling sucks
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