Today I am 32 days in. Last night I finally picked up my babies and had them for 24 hours. My night was amazing! I was a little bummed they didn't seem to miss me as much as I missed them. Very anticlimactic. But we had a great night I just lavished them with attention and loved on them so much. Today I had a huge surprise, we drove over two hours and went and saw Monster Truck Jam!! They were so excited. The only down to my night was in the end when I said I was taking them back to their relatives to stay for a while more, they didnt seem phased a bit.
It was like they would almost rather be with another family other than me...it hurts
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Day 25....ya this isn't going to stick
I think I'm at the point where the depression is really really starting to set in. A lot of my Anxiety has finally gone away but, But a lot of my short temperament is definitely still there. The insomnia is still an ever their evil. Not sure when that's ever going to stop but it sure as hell is annoying.
The depression has slowly been creeping up on me, Almost like a demon trying to capture my soul. I spend most my days and nights trying to fight these urges that still won't go away. The only thing that keeps pushing me is because I want that 30 day chip dammit. But what then? I can look forward to 60, 90, a year? do I really care anymore?
I haven't even seen my children in almost a month that in itself is depressing. While I am glad that they are being looked after by an obviously better parent than I am, It still hurts so much not to have them around. Honestly they are the only reason I've been doing this. I want to continue to say that they are the reason I'm going to continue doing this the right way, But I'm almost to the point where I just don't care anymore. Where is this happiness that everyone keeps talking about, This new life that I'll love? It feels like the same old shit every different day. Maybe I don't know what I should expect or how I should feel? Honestly I know I can make it to 30 but do I really care after that. For me I'm almost happy and a little proud to know that I have been able to last this long and I know I will never go back to how things were, but this new life. It really is not showing me any promises....
The depression has slowly been creeping up on me, Almost like a demon trying to capture my soul. I spend most my days and nights trying to fight these urges that still won't go away. The only thing that keeps pushing me is because I want that 30 day chip dammit. But what then? I can look forward to 60, 90, a year? do I really care anymore?
I haven't even seen my children in almost a month that in itself is depressing. While I am glad that they are being looked after by an obviously better parent than I am, It still hurts so much not to have them around. Honestly they are the only reason I've been doing this. I want to continue to say that they are the reason I'm going to continue doing this the right way, But I'm almost to the point where I just don't care anymore. Where is this happiness that everyone keeps talking about, This new life that I'll love? It feels like the same old shit every different day. Maybe I don't know what I should expect or how I should feel? Honestly I know I can make it to 30 but do I really care after that. For me I'm almost happy and a little proud to know that I have been able to last this long and I know I will never go back to how things were, but this new life. It really is not showing me any promises....
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