Day 25....ya this isn't going to stick

I think I'm at the point where the depression is really really starting to set in. A lot of my Anxiety has finally gone away but, But a lot of my short temperament is definitely still there. The insomnia is still an ever their evil. Not sure when that's ever going to stop but it sure as hell is annoying.

The depression has slowly been creeping up on me, Almost like a demon trying to capture my soul. I spend most my days and nights trying to fight these urges that still won't go away. The only thing that keeps pushing me is because I want that 30 day chip dammit. But what then? I can look forward to 60, 90, a year? do I really care anymore?

I haven't even seen my children in almost a month that in itself is depressing. While I am glad that they are being looked after by an obviously better parent than I am, It still hurts so much not to have them around. Honestly they are the only reason I've been doing this. I want to continue to say that they are the reason I'm going to continue doing this the right way, But I'm almost to the point where I just don't care anymore. Where is this happiness that everyone keeps talking about, This new life that I'll love? It feels like the same old shit every different day. Maybe I don't know what I should expect or how I should feel? Honestly I know I can make it to 30 but do I really care after that. For me I'm almost happy and a little proud to know that I have been able to last this long and I know I will never go back to how things were, but this new life. It really is not showing me any promises....