I have these moments in life where I know I am going to go into a spiral of depression. I am actually really good at realizing this and turning everything around. Once and (very rarely) in a while I give in to it. I throw in my white flag and I fall.
Lately I've been more inclined to divulge and let it overtake me. These last couple years have been the hardest of my life. Getting divorced and all that silly stress is nothing compared to how I am feeling.
Many have said it and maybe it's true, I have not dealt with my fathers death. I am still super pissed. I am mad at God and I am mad at myself. I want to get over these constant overwhelming emotions, but to be honest I don't have the time to try.
I want so desperately to fall apart to just cry and cry and cry, but I can't. I never got that chance. I had to do the right thing and stay strong in front of my children and take care of them in this hard time. I didn't have anyone to just go hey let me watch your kids so you can have a day to yourself to grieve. I didn't get one single day. So here a year and a half later I am still in this no mans land of WTF is going on.
I really just plain ol hate the position that my life is in right now. And yes I am smart enough to know that my life could be worse, but trying to take the weight on the world of my shoulders is killing me.....
Feels better to come out and say it. Thank you silly little blog
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