Broken Down...

Running full force down the street chasing my barefoot screaming 7 year old who is screaming bloody murder....This is how it just got serious!

I've just finished a 47 hour work week, I am exhausted. I am upset with how work went that day. I just want to pick up my kids and go home to relax. I walk in the door and right away my son starts doing this whiny voice asking for a sleep over. I know that whiny voice that's when an "episode" is about to start. Having dealt with many severe breakdowns in the past I tend to catch impending ones right away. I quickly switch to my super soothing mommy voice and explain that not tonight sweetie. Trust me when we get home you'll have so much fun with mommy we can do something special just one on one. That usually does the trick. Tonight...it didn't. So I put on my game face and knew that the match is just starting. This is how parenting a child with a disability is. Give and takes. The small whiny voice now turns into un explained grunts and swatting at things. Pushing full cups of water on the ground, hitting walls kicking anything he can see.

I am calmly trying to deal with this, trying the methods taught to me by the doctor. Try  to redirect his focus. Try to talk to him about why he is acting this way. Finally separating him to another room to try and calm down and think and turn his day around. NONE of this is working. Finally after 20 mins of this constant random grunting and the crying or more like moans of anger. He takes a heavy object and throws it. This is going to be bad episode I now know this and tactics change. I immediately tell him to put on shoes we are going home. This was a bad choice of words apparently. The highest pitched screams....curdle your blood screams ensure and then he is saying no no no no no no no no. I try and pick him up (which is near impossible). He then gets up and runs out the door as fast as ever. I'm think he is getting in the car so I come out and he is in front of the neighbors house shaking his head no  he is not leaving and every time I take a step towards him he takes a step back. Finally I start walking towards him saying it's time to leave. He bolts! I have never had a child run away from me willingly. He is also screaming at the top of his lungs. First I'm worrying about his feet in the Arizona heat will burn, then I am sooooo embarrassed that I am chasing a screaming child. I finally catch up to him and he is hitting me and punching me calling me names spitting.

I try to walk him to the car...he dead weights on me. My 7 year old son is over 80 pounds, probably more dead weight, he is very large around the belly so it's awkward weight. I cannot pick him up at all. And he is still screaming the loudest screams ever, the type of screams you think someone is dying. I am now trying to get him to move, not happening. I am begging and pleading with him to please please please get in the car. Not happening. So goes the over 30 minutes and the half dragging half pulling and pushing. All the while screaming. I am surprised the police have not been called or someone thinking I am kidnapping my own child. I finally get him into the car. Lock and jump in to rush home. He immediately starts punching my other two kids in the head.They toss themselves in the third row seats to get away. The drive home is quick, but filled with screams and being called stupid and told I am hated. Get home, don't open doors until the garage is closed, because I am not doing another bolt. He jumps out screaming and refusing to go in the house, still screaming. Great! So I am begging pleading trying to push and pull him in. Nothing. Finally I leave him in the garage. After 5 mins, because it's so damned hot I have to get him in the house no matter what. I again try the tactic explaining all the fun things we could have been doing right now if he wasn't acting out. I give him the choice to go into his room and calm down, he books it to his room. I sit on the couch in the dark and cry. After 10 mins and a very bad texting conversation with my boss, (side issues at work, ugh), he comes down says he is sorry. Hugs me and smiles.

I just spent almost 2 hours of one of his worst attacks ever and light switch all is well. What the Hell??? My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and I have just been told that the doctor thinks he is Bi Polar. No matter what it is. I am the mother to a child with a disability. Honestly, I do not think I was meant for this. I work long work weeks. I try and provide my kids with everything possible. I am their mom and their dad. I am the sole breadwinner and provider. There is not help from their dad, (who the hell knows where he lives) I prepared myself to be a single mom. I am trying my hardest. To be honest it is the biggest struggle possible. Some days I find myself barely holding it together. I wish I had someone to lean on, to break down and ask for help. Someone to just give me a hug and tell me everything is ok. I cook, I clean, I give love, I give discipline. I fix things I troubleshoot. I am always go go go go go. Every at work, it's very high paced hands on where I am on my feet 9-11 hours a day. I have no rest. I don't even think anyone in my family can truly understand how hard it is. I know this is the path that I choose when I got divorced. And I choose this path because it was the right thing for my kids.

But having nights like tonight, I truly am at my end. I don't know what else to do anymore. I am fighting so hard. The stress is killing me, I have blood pressure headaches often. I am behind on bills. I am living one day to the next. I just was not made to be this person, which makes me cry even more (and I am not a crier. I NEVER cry) I always though myself to be the strong one. Nothing can break me. But every morning when I pull myself out of bed, I  feel like I can breaking off a little more every day. I am breaking down into nothing. I am not the person I used to be, I am not the person I was meant to be. I don't know who I am anymore. I hate this feeling.......And it's even worse, I'm crying while writing this while my sweet angel 7 year old has come back to me and is sleeping peacefully next to me. Why is this my life?